marți, 25 iulie 2017

the baby pup

Maybe we lasted so long
Because we met in the cold season
Where all bodies craved warmth
And I finally could share my own cold
In an embrace that wouldn't grow bored.
Now all the bodies are melting underneath
And want to be lonely
Sleeping in the sun
Like baby pups
Or cats
Like I told you this morning you looked like
A moaning lazy cat
That wouldn't touch, but bite
And only brought me fright.

Please go gentle

I have to write this
I have to tell you
How much you've hurt me
For the million time
You've taken away from me
All of my covers
And now I'm like a naked apple
All that touches me
Leaves a scratch
New knives in old places
No one reaches so deep
As that old wound
But still
I feel everything so much deeper now
As if you've left me naked
And shivering in the rain
And all the raindrops
Are crashing into my skin.
I wish I could close myself up again
And not look for people
Like they could be covers
Where I have only empty mattresses
I crave
I open
But somehow never completely
They just touch a small surface
And quickly leave
And push me away
They don't want to keep me warm in the night
That good night
I've been searching for ages now.
Is there never gonna safe
For me to walk into the rain again
Is there never gonna be a body
Waiting for me to sink
Like there's no tomorrow
Only this cold night
That I wish to be a good night
At least this time
For me too?

Why can't anybody love me
Why doesn't anyone go gentle
Why doesn't anyone like to hold me
Why can't anybody keep me
I have only one wish
Will you grant it this time?
Oh, Lord,
You've been so cruel
So cruel
I have so much hate to hold
So much longing
And so much hate
I have to stop building homes in other people
For they always crash
Before the night comes
And I have to start again the morning
But I've grown tired
You tell me you can't sleep well
When I'm with you
Well, I can't sleep either
For I am not with you
Not really
You're miles away
Just like he was
Just like the moon is
At least she is gonna be on my sky
Forever, every night
And watch me sleep
With a gentle eye
Waiting to close it
Only when my body will finally die.
(I hope it happens soon
I hope a car crashes into my body
And finally destroy all that room
That nobody wants to live in anymore.)

sâmbătă, 22 iulie 2017

Notite X

Trebuie să pun pământul înapoi la florile care au căzut.

The cast

You told me how you took out your knife
And carved out your way through the bandages
That were healing you
Because you couldn't stand being trapped.
Now you have a broken finger
And a crooked hand
But you are free in the end
You were always free
Thank you for taking me
With you.

Bliss

People are so beautiful
The way they smile when you kiss them
They look like babies.

Your hair turns perfectly blonde then
Your skin red
And your eyelashes stick together
Only to open
With big staring eyes
To check like a newborn
I swear
In that moment
You are ageless
You look blessed
You're out of this time
You're pure light
And you're sinking into mine.

marți, 11 iulie 2017

No penny for the ferryman

As for you
There is a bill waiting for you
At the other side of hell
Waiting to be paid
For all the crimes you have done
Finally
In a day without a sun.

This time I'm gonna keep it to myself

Forgive me
When I see you
When you hold me
It's just too much for me to take
That sometimes I feel like I'm gonna be sick
And if I draw away from you
It is because I fear
The light gathered in my throat
Is gonna choke me
And implode.
Forgive me
I can't give people any more knives
To stick inside
I simply cannot
You don't know how after that much happiness
Comes just as much pain
Too much
And it's been too much for me lately
To take.
Forgive me
But you don't know how they played
In monstrous ways
And it's not just my body
I can't allow anyone to touch
But my mind too
Because once I allow you to look
I'll be exposed completely
And you may laugh at my open doors in time
And it's a risk I just can't take.
Forgive me
I want to trust you
But somehow every time I try to make
My way to you
Your skin can't but remember
All the other skins that scratched onto mine
And the other boys
The other bodies
That broke me apart.
Forgive me
At least if you're gonna leave
You didn't make me believe
There was something horrible like a hope
Waiting to kill me again.

marți, 4 iulie 2017

Put a name to my imaginary past

You used to roll me up in the air
And put names to our imaginary babies
After you and after me
And say how you would like them to look like me
Because you loved me so much
You did, didn t you?
Or it was all a lie
And that s what you were saying to all of those girls
You were taking out in the meantime
And spent all your money with
And all your time
And all your love
And all your dreams.
Were you telling them too about our imaginary babies
Or you were making up new ones with them?
Were you telling them of our walks in the parks?
While we stood for hours at the roots of trees
All curled up
As if we were growing ourselves
In the ground
Were you calling them
In the ways you used to call me
In our special voice
Were you calling them
Like you used to call me
Your "chicken"
And laugh about
How it sounded?
Were they writing love poems to you on tea tables
In your first month together
Were you telling them you love them
Like you did with me
Straight away?
Did they believe you?

Were you telling them about our short holidays?
When we were living all by ourselves
Shopping together
Cooking together
And sleeping together
And washing together
More than twins living aside.
Were you telling them the clothes you were wearing
Were all from me 
And you were making love with them
Covered still in all of my love?
Were you telling them all of the moves
You learned them from me?
Were you telling them
How I made you a man?
Were you telling them your bones
And your holes
Were only made for one shape
Like you used to tell me?
Were you telling them you had a girl waiting at home?
For you
With your imaginary babies
And your imaginary love
And your imaginary relationship
Because she was just crazy
And you denied her all along
And all of your memories
As if your whole life together
Was imaginary too.

luni, 3 iulie 2017

Give me a family

How I like families in the morning.
Give me a family too
I want to be the child an airplane of bread flies to
I want to be the child you feed
I want to be the child you caress
I want to be the child you try your best
With.
I want to be the father that cuts those little slices of bread
And feeds the little baby
And holds his lovely wife
While he is making coffee
And hot milk
For everybody.
I want to be the mother that wakes up first
And kisses everyone good morning
I want to be the mother that washes the little child
And helps him use the potty
And makes omelette
With fresh ham
And warm bread from the baker.
I want to be the mother
That sits last at the table
And you draw the chair to help me
While you put your arms around my shoulders
And say you will pour me coffee this morning
Because I am too tired
Taking care of everybody.

Give me a family
Put me in a shelter
Forget me not
For I am trying to not
Shatter into pieces
Like the stray animals
I keep collecting in my house
And force feed them
For they do not want to eat
If they are not taking their breakfast
With their family
In the morning.

miercuri, 28 iunie 2017

Monthly check

6 boxes of pills a month
5 hours of sleep a night
this is what keeps my body together
and the feelings away
for 4 months now.
the doctor asks if I want to see him again
in 3 months
you seem better, Alice
how are you dealing with the pain?
all these memories, doctor
they are making me sick
the past always must be paid for, Alice
and I'm paying for it with my vomit and my blood
every day, so don't say another word.
i have 2 different crushes a month
and 1 person who truly cares about me
if I wouldn't have him i would go insane
the doctor asks me what helps
what truly helps?
6 boxes of pills
5 hours of sleep
for 4 months now
in 3 months i'll recover for sure, he says
but i still have 2 different crushes a month
and nothing sorts out
if that 1 person who cares about me
wouldn't call each and every week
for a new cup of tea
and a little talk with me
oh, then, my mad hatter,
Alice would go crazy.